JOKES

well the topic is back, anyone beside scharatz and I have any good jokes. Scharatz I haven't gotten any jokes from U in awhile, got any new ones?

Here is one to start:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike
replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner.
Just give a
urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what
to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a hell of a lot
cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter,
and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the
drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars,
pours in
his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the
following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

hey seamus! how you call a wife that knows where is her husband every night?
¦
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v

a WIDOW!?

Arghh... scharatz... that was kinda dry.

One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies:
"I am sorry, cannot accept money from you. I am doing a Community Service".
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies:
"I am sorry, cannot accept money from you. I am doing a Community Service".
The Cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.

A Portuguese goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies:
"I am sorry, cannot accept money from you. I am doing a Community Service".
The Portuguese guy of course is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, he finds a dozen Portuguese waiting for a haircut!!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Why is Chocolate better than a man??

1 - You always feel satisfied afterwards!
2 - It does not laugh if you put on weight!
3 - You can have a bit whenever you want!
4 - It does not think a quick nibble means sex!
5 - It does not scratch its nuts!
6 - It goes hard in the cold!
7 - You can take it to bed and still get a good nights sleep!
8 - It looks even better with its wapper off!

Hmmm....jokers is hanging around again. I'd love to see it.

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer
came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"


On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family
like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

College Exam for Football Players
Time Limit: One Month
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?

(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes (b) no (c) He wasn't my relative

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe

18. Advanced math.

If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop A few days later, he received this report:

Most Honorable Sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No Fee.

is there something more truthful than this!?



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A genie was playing a round of golf one day and belted one right down the middle of the fairway. Unfortunately, he bounced the ball off of another golfer.

The Genie rushed down the fairway and said to the golfer "Since I hit you with the ball, I will grant you one wish. What would you like?"

The golfer said, "Well, I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am scared to fly and I don't like ships. Can you fix it up so I can drive?"

The Genie said, "I'm sorry, that would take too long. Do you have a request for something a little easier?"

The golfer replied, "Well, I have always wanted to understand women."
The Genie thought for a moment and replied, "Would you like that two lanes or four?"

another one

i changed it a bit. i hope some members of this forum won't mind



---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Application to Date My Seko


Name_________________________ Date of Birth____________

Height _________ Weight________ IQ________ GPA________

Social Security # ______________ Driver's licence #__________

Boy Scout Rank_____________________________________

Home Address_____________ City/State ____________ Zip____

Do you have one male and one female parent? ____________
If no, explain answer _________________________________

Number of years parents married ________________________

Do you own a van? _______ A truck with oversized tires?______
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? _______
Do you have a tattoo?_________
(if yes to any of #8, discontinue application and leave the premises)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ____________
____________________________________________________.

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY SEKO!" mean to you? __________________________________________________________.

Church you attend _______________
How often do you attend? _______________________

When is the best time to interview you father, mother, and bishop?
Father ____________ Mother___________ Bishop__________

Answer by filling in the blank: please answer all questions freely, all answers are confidential (that means I won't tell anyone ever- -promise)
A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be wounded is in the __________________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broke is my ____________
C. A woman's place is in the _________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is __________________________________________________
E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is ______________

What do you want to be "if" you grow up? ________________

Are you willing to wear an electronic tracking device? _______

I swear all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, crucifixion, electrocution, chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.

Signature ________________________

Thank-you for you interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch you back).

Stupid Things Said In The World Of Soccer:

1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays
this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100%
record.

4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidescope of colour: almost all the
Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.

7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which
strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.

8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other
need to score two to win.

9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made,
but there were eight.

For some reason I found this one incredibly funny:

5. Well, its a fabulous kaleidescope of colour: almost all the
Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

Oh yeah! And that Portuguese one at the barber was good too

haha...nice jokes, Seko!

Cari831 said:

For some reason I found this one incredibly funny:

5. Well, its a fabulous kaleidescope of colour: almost all the
Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

Oh yeah! And that Portuguese one at the barber was good too

haha...nice jokes, Seko!

Click to expand...

obrigada well its' my portuguese humour lol

i have more jokes about the portuguese..have to find them :S

hehe

Brazil last won the world cup in 1994.

Before that they won it in 1970.

Add 1970 and 1994, it equals 3964.

Germany last won in 1990.

Before that they won in 1974.

Add 1990 and 1974, it equals 3964.

Argentina last won the world cup in 1986.

Before that they won it in 1978.

Add 1978 and 1986, it equals 3964.

So going by this logic, The winner of the 2002 world

cup is the same as the 3964 - 2002 = 1962 world cup.

The 1962 world cup was won by Brazil.

Now the Best Part !!!

Portuguese fans too have reason to rejoice :

Portugal has never won the world cup so we'll probably

win it in the year 3964.

SPOOKY !!!!

Very strange . At last, we will a World Cup. In 3964.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies: "I see million of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute: "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks: "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

At the phone...

K = Mr. Knott
W = Mr. Watt

K: Who's calling?

W: Watt.

K: What's your name, plz?

W: Watt is my name.

K: That's what i asked u. What's your name?

W: That's what i told u. Watt is my name.

K: ...

W: Is this Johnson?

K: No, this is Knott.

W: Plz tell me your name.

K: Will Knott.

W: Why not?

K: Huh? What do u mean why not?

W: Yeah! Why won't u tell me your name?

K: But i told u my name!

W: Didn't u say u will not?

K: Not not, Knott, Will Knott!

W: That's what i mean.

K: So u know my name.

W: Of course not!

K: Good. So now, what's yours?

W: Watt. Yours?

k: Your name!!

W: Watt is my name!

K: How the hell do i know?! I'm asking u!!!

W: Look i've been very patient and i have told u my name and u haven't even told me yours yet.

K: You've been patient, what about me? I've told u my name so many times and it's u who haven't told me yours yet.

W: Of course not!!

K: See, u even know my name!!

W: Of course not!!

K: Then why do u keep saying of course Knott??

W: Because I don't!

K: Stay calm... Ok, let's do this again. What's your name?

W: See, u know my name!

K: Of course not!!

W: Then why do u keep asking Watt is your name?!

K: To find out your name!

W: But u already know it!!

K: What?

W: See, u know mine!!

K: Listen, listen, wait; if i asked u what your name is, what will be your answer?

W: Watt is my name.

K: No, no, give me only one word.

W: Watt.

K: Your name!!

W: Right!!

K: ...Oh, Wright!!

W: Yeah!

K: So why didnt u say it before?

W: I told u so many times!

K: You never said Wright before.

W: Of course i did!

K: Ok I won't argue any more. Do u know my name?

W: I do not!

K: Well, there u go, now we know each other's name.

W: I do not!!

K: Good!

W:...Oh, Gud!

K: Good.

W: No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?

K: No, it's Knott!

W: Oh, okay. at least the names r clear now, Gud.

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is 9, the other 4.
The 9 year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks: "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?

The 9 year old shakes his head and replies: "Nope, not for my mom."

Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

9 year old: "Nope, not for my sister either."

Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your mom and not for your sister, who r they for?"

The 9 year old says: "They're for my 4 year old brother."

Suprised, the cashier asks: "Your little brother right here??"

9 year old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if u wear one of these u can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either!!"

Dear Signore Direttore,

Now I am tella you the story how i was treated at your hotella. I am comma from Palermo as tourist to London and stay as young man at your hotella.

When i comma in my room I see is not shit in my bed. How can i sleep with no shit in my bed? So, i colla down the recepcione and tella:

"I wanna shit."
"Go to the toilet."
I say: "NO, no, I wanna shit in my bed."
They say: "You betta no shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch."
"What is sonnawabitch?"

Go down for ristorant for breakfas. I order bacon, eggs, and two pisses of toast.
I got only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and pointa of toast:
"I wanna piss."
She tella me: "Go to the toilet."
I say: "I wanna piss on my plate:"
She then say to me: "You bloody fellow not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch."
Second person who do not even know me and colla me sonnawabitch!"
"What is sonnawabitch?"

Later i go for dinner into ristorant. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock.
I tella waitress: "I wanna fock."
And she tella me: "Shure, everybody wanna fock."
I tella her: "No, no, you don't understand me. I wanna fock on the table."
"Get your ass out of here", she say to me.

So, I go to the recepcione and ask for the billa.
I no wanna stay in this hotella no more.
When i have pay the billa, the porter say to me:
"Thank you and peace on you."
I say: "Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch."
I go back to Italy! I nevermore comma stay in your hotella you sonnawabitch.

Sincerely,
Enrico Morelli

> Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day
> long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
> guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
>
> Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within
> himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You
> aren't the
> first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the
> last. And you're single. Let it go."
>
> But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality:
>
> "Bob, you're a veterinarian."

Hey Cari here it goes another one about the Portuguese


1 - If u have more aunts then u can count out on 2 hands...sorry, u r Portuguese!

2 - If your brother can have 3 girlfriends all sleepover at the same time, but, your sister, who is 19 has to be in bed by 7...admit it. U r Portuguese!

3 - If u r currently in therapy over bad dreams about leather belts and wooden spoons...let's come to terms, u r Portuguese!

4 - If redecorating your living room means changing the plastic sofa covers...odds r in favor of u being Portuguese!

5 - If u attend more than 9 weddings a year...guess what? U r Portuguese!

6 - If your parents refer to KFC as "galinha do velho"...no if's or but's... U my friend r Portuguese!

7 - If your parents earn very little money but u still find yourself travelling back and forth to times a year...than your parents must be drug dealers...just joking...U r Porchop!

8 - If your friends come over for dinner and they leave 10 lbs heavier..U R PORTUGUESE!

VIVA PORTUGAL

A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house.
She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What r u doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But u r naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But u r naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if u would leave because he'll be homre from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.

On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What r u doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

Husband: "Needs ironing!"

Top 10 Reasons to Live in Quebec (Canadian province where I live).

1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the ''Anglo bastards''

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Semi Final, Detroit
vs Colorado, and a man makes his way to his seat
right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the
seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his
neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this for final game
of a Stanley Cup playoff series and not use it?"

The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs
to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she
passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup Playoff
Game we haven't been to together since we got married
in 1967."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But
couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative,
or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the
funeral."

for our australian friends

Koala and the Prostitute

A koala bear was approached by a prostitute, since he
had never been with one before, he was curious and excited.
They spent the night together in a hotel, and he went
down on her the next morning one last time before departing.
As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled,
"Hey, what about my money?" The koala turned, gave
her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders. She
said, "Come here", and pulled a dictionary out of her
purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its
definition, "Has sex and gets paid." Finally understanding,
the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word
"koala" and showed her, "Eats bush and leaves"

I have this from another site:

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had
been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out
of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing
he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked
them to stop.

Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two
animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You
will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."

The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this
forest to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit said, "I would like a helmet."

This confused both the frog and the bear, but, after a magical sound, a
helmet appeared.

It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the
neighbouring forest to be female."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."

Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot
of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but, after a magical
sound, there was a motorcycle.

The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to
be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said, "I wish
the bear was gay" and took off like a flash.

Very funny David Working in and around bank's I found the next one funny this funny.

>>A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
>>window: "I want to open a damn checking account."
>>
>>To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I
>>must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
>>
>>"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account
>>right now!"
>>
>>"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language
>>in this bank."
>>
>>Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the
>>bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.
>>
>>They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems
>>to be the problem here?"
>>
>>"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won
>>50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn
>>checking account in this damn bank!"
>>
>>"I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And your saying that this
>>bitch here is giving you a hard time?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to
check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand
for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed
her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see
your ticket, not your stub."