Official: Zlatan Ibrahimović Thread

[fredrik9]

Fred, whats Ibra's stats for the season?
Goals/assists.

Here you go, Sir.

Zlatan stats 2011-2012 season

Pre-season
Jul 20 Solbiatese (45 min, 2 goals, 3 assists)
Jul 26 Bayern Munich (45 min, 1 goal)
Jul 27 Internacional (45 min, 1 goal)
Aug 14 Malmö (60 min)

Supercoppa Final Beijing
Aug 6 Inter (90 min, 1 goal)

Serie A
Sep 9 Lazio (90 min, 1 goal)
Oct 2 Juventus (90 min)
Oct 15 Palermo (90 min, 1 assist)
Oct 23 Lecce (90 min)
Oct 26 Parma (73 min, 1 goal, 1 assist)
Oct 30 Roma (90 min, 2 goals)
Nov 6 Catania (90 min, 1 goal, 1 assist)
Nov 20 Fiorentina (90 min)
Nov 27 Chievo (68 min, 2 goals)
Dec 2 Genoa (90 min, 1 goal)
Dec 11 Bologna (90 min, 1 goal)
Dec 18 Siena (90 min, 1 goal)
Dec 21 Cagliari (90 min, 1 goal)
Jan 8 Atalanta (90 min, 1 goal, 1 assist)
Jan 15 Inter (90 min)
Jan 22 Novara (90 min, 2 goals)
Jan 29 Cagliari (83 min, 1 goal, 1 assist)
Feb 1 Lazio (90 min)
Feb 5 Napoli (63 min, red card)
Mar 3 Palermo (90 min, 3 goals)
Mar 11 Lecce (90 min, 1 goal, 1 assist)

Champions League
Sep 28 Viktoria Pizen (90 min, 1 goal, 1 assist)
Oct 19 Bate Borisov (90 min, 1 goal)
Nov 1 Bate Borisov (90 min, 1 goal)
Nov 24 Barcelona (90 min, 1 goal)
Feb 15 Arsenal (90 min, 1 goal, 2 assists)
Mar 6 Arsenal (90 min)

Coppa Italia
Jan 26 Lazio (20 min, 1 goal)
Feb 8 Juventus (90 min)

Total (not including pre-season):
30 games played (1 Super Coppa, 2 Coppa, 21 Serie A, 6 CL)
2557 minutes played
26 goals + 9 assists
A goal or assist every 73 min
A goal every 98 min
An assist every 284 min

 

[GeNiUs_CiDe]

Messi, Ronaldo and Zlatan are on a car trip together.
They crash the car and all die.

Judgement Day occurs.

God says "Ronaldo, what's the best thing about football?"
Ronaldo bows for God and says:
"The best thing about football is that I have been able to give joy to the people, made some money and been able to travel and see the world."


God then looks at Messi and says:
"And you, Messi, what do you think is so great with football?"
Messi bows and kisses God's feet. He answers:
"Oh dear Lord, I come from a poor country and had a tough childhood. I have been able to show the people that there is a way out of poverty and misery. And I have been able to give joy and hapiness to people all over the world."


God then turns to Zlatan. "And what do you think, Zlatan?"

Zlatan looks at God and says "Everything but the K.O. stages of the CL."

All 3 go to HELL.

Fixed

 

[Demonic]

Messi, Ronaldo and Zlatan are on a car trip together.
They crash the car and all die.

The gates of Heaven open and they go through it.

They walk up to God who's sitting on his throne.
God says "Ronaldo, what's the best thing about football?"
Ronaldo bows for God and says:
"The best thing about football is that I have been able to give joy to the people, made some money and been able to travel and see the world."
God thinks that's a good answer and says "Good, Ronaldo. Come over here and sit on my left side."

God then looks at Messi and says:
"And you, Messi, what do you think is so great with football?"
Messi bows and kisses God's feet. He answers:
"Oh dear Lord, I come from a poor country and had a tough childhood. I have been able to show the people that there is a way out of poverty and misery. And I have been able to give joy and hapiness to people all over the world."
God says: "Good answer, Messi. Come sit on my right side."

God then turns to Zlatan. "And what do you think, Zlatan?"

Zlatan looks at God and says "Dude, you're sitting in my chair".

the original

Året är 2006 och Figo, Ronaldo och Zlatan har alla hamnat i Real. Av någon anledning är de ute och åker bil tillsammans med Kluivert. Kluiverts körkapacitet är ju inte så lysande och efter några pilsner så drar han rätt in i ett träd. Alla fyra dör. Som alla förstår så tar Kluivert steget direkt ner i helvetet. Figo, Ronaldo och Z tar sig dock upp till pärleporten där de välkomnas av Sankte Per som direkt leder dem in till vår Herre.
De tre stegar fram mot Gud som sitter på sin tron. Gud säger då:
"Figo, vad är det bästa med fotboll?"
Figo bugar sig och svarar:
"Det bästa med fotbollen är att jag har kunnat sprida glädje till folket, tjäna pengar till mitt uppehälle och få se hela världen". Gud ansåg att det var ett bra svar
då han sa: "Bra Figo, kom och sitt på min vänstra sida".

Gud tittade sedan på Ronaldo och sa: "Och du Ronaldo, vad är det bästa med fotbollen?
Ronaldo svarar lite försynt:
"Herre, jag kommer från fattiga förhållanden och har lyckats visa mina medmänniskor att det finns en väg ut ur det hela och att man inte behöver vara dömd till ett liv i misär. Samtidigt har även jag kunnat sprida glädje till folket".
Gud svarade: "Bra svarat Ronaldo, kom och sitt på min högra sida.".

Gud tittade sedan på Zlatan och sa: "Vad tycker du då Zlatan?"
Zlatan tittar upp, harklar sig, spottar på marken och säger:
"Du sitter på min stol".

 

[fredrik9]

When Ibra looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get in the middle of Ibra and Ibra.

A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Ibra and that you will be handicapped if you park there

Ibra doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Ibra has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

There is no 'Ctrl' button on Ibra's computer. Ibra is always in control.

Ibra can sneeze with his eyes open.

Ibra doesn't sleep, he waits.

 

[MilanMB]

those are funny.

ibra waits?? you have to come up with something better.

 

[MilanReality]

Ibra's so cool, he needs a jacket.
Ibra's so strong, that you can see his muscles.
Ibra's so good at soccer, he gets paid for it.
Ibra's lived in Italy so long, he can speak the language.
Ibra has so many stories, he wrote a book.

 

[MilanReality]

those are funny.

ibra waits?? you have to come up with something better.

aka, he needs to scroll through more chuck norris jokes. and change them to "ibra"

 

[Sage]

Zlatan's life is a story of epic proportions.
It's like everything that has happened so far was part a plan to come back to Camp Nou.

There will be no mercy.

CL glory & ballon d'Or. This is the year.

you've probably been saying this every year since 05

 

[fredrik9]

aka, he needs to scroll through more chuck norris jokes. and change them to "ibra"

We all come from apes, but you didn't come far enough.
Your parents should make sure that cage is locked.

 

[Costanza]

This is the ultimate challenge of Zlatan Ibrahimovic's Career.

Will he be successful? I don't think the odds have been on his sides more than now, he is having the best season of his career, and has clearly issues with Barca, so this is gonna be interesting.

I personally believe in him, I feel and hope that this Barca 180 mins is gonna be when everyone will finally see how damn good he is.

I just wish they don't make him think that it's all on his shoulders, and I also think he will need the help of others like Arsenal 1st leg game, so let's hope others bring their A game too.

In Ibra we trust.

 

[damn]

ibra is so gay, that when he looked in to the the abyss the abyss felt uncomfortable.

ibra is so gay, he doesn't have trouble pooing.

when ibra asks you to bring your sister, it's to go shoe shopping.

 

[MilanReality]

We all come from apes, but you didn't come far enough.
Your parents should make sure that cage is locked.

Look out everyone... Fredrik has returned with his anti-theist propaganda!!!

I don't know how many times you have to be reminded, but keep your religious beliefs to yourself. Noone cares about how raw and edgy you think you are.

 

[MilanMB]

ibra is so gay, that when he looked in to the the abyss the abyss felt uncomfortable.

ibra is so gay, he doesn't have trouble pooing.

when ibra asks you to bring your sister, it's to go shoe shopping.

1/3

only the last one was good.

 

[Hitman]

he needs to book an appointment with his psychiatrist, we need him to perform in this game..... all the planet are expecting him to flop (football fans that are not milanistas)... i fully expect him to flop too, in both games, hopefully he can do something that can make us win this.... its the most important game of his career.

 

[damn]

We all come from apes, but you didn't come far enough.
Your parents should make sure that cage is locked.

I thought his parents kicked him out.

 

[MilanReality]

I thought his parents kicked him out.

Fredrik smacked his head off one too many glacier walls.

 

[shannonhills]

Ibra's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Ibra counted to infinity - twice.

Ibra does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Ibra goes killing.

Ibra has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Multiple people have died from Ibra giving them the finger.

Ibra only masturbates to pictures of Ibra.

If you want a list of Ibra's enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Ibra does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Ibra never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Ibra”.

Ibra can piss into gale force winds.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Ibra to die before they attack.

Hahahahahahaha!

We have these Dos Equis beer commercials about "The Most Interesting Man In The World." Apparenlty they have been talking about Zlatan!

 

[derpu]

^ how does it go?

 

[MilanReality]

^ how does it go?

I don't always choke, but when I do... I make sure it's in a high profile match

 

[jammin]

ibra is so gay, that when he looked in to the the abyss the abyss felt uncomfortable.

ibra is so gay, he doesn't have trouble pooing.

when ibra asks you to bring your sister, it's to go shoe shopping.

and MilanReality, do you consider Zlatan to be arguably the best choker of all time?

 

[MilanReality]

and MilanReality, do you consider Zlatan to be arguably the best choker of all time?

nah.

 

[ikita]

^^

surprising. i guess i'll just laugh then. ahaha.

 

[Pipa]

when ibra asks you to bring your sister, it's to go shoe shopping.

 

[Sage]

and MilanReality, do you consider Zlatan to be arguably the best choker of all time?

baggio

 

[squaresolid]

baggio

del piero

 

[fredrik9]

 

[Armin__m]

He looks like a scared girl there.

This style and our jersey suits him much better.

 

[Athens2007]

and Polish comentators gave some really nice comments

 

[Athens2007]

When Ibra looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get in the middle of Ibra and Ibra.

A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Ibra and that you will be handicapped if you park there

Ibra doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Ibra has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

There is no 'Ctrl' button on Ibra's computer. Ibra is always in control.

Ibra can sneeze with his eyes open.

Ibra doesn't sleep, he waits.

c'mon

Ibra was given birth by his aunt, 'cause nobody dared to fuck his mother

 

[KujaIX]

Look out everyone... Fredrik has returned with his anti-theist propaganda!!!

I don't know how many times you have to be reminded, but keep your religious beliefs to yourself. Noone cares about how raw and edgy you think you are.

Is this a serious post?